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Tuesday, April 25th, 2006
10:29 pm - The Water
I love swimming.
It's the most calming experience.
Just to feel the cool water flowing over my body.
The water envelops my soul.
It washes away the scum of the world.
It cleanses my being.
The water wipes away the pollution of sadness, the grime of depression, the stagnancy of my problems.
There is no one.
Simply myself and the water.
Taking me in and holding me.
Caressing me like no person could ever do.
I submerge myself and drown away the worries, tribulations, and strife; All the things I can't seem to handle anymore.
There is nothing.
Simply the water and myself.
I feel no greater love for anything as I do the water.
Always constant, but always changing.
My safety, my friend, my security, my lover.
There is no sound.
Simply water and me.
I listen to the sound of the water surrounding me.
The water gives me a hope.
The water touches all the places no one else can.
It touches my soul.
I don't say a word, but the water listens in serene silence.
Takinf in all the things I cannot say.
It takes everything and puts it aside.
It doesn't yell or criticize.
It doesn't hit me or tell me I'm bad.
There is nothing taken in return.
And for a moment,
There is no world.
Simply myself and the water...

-me

current mood: lonely
current music: Give me the Power-Voodoo & Serano
"i'm naked" "with you"
5:04 pm
I took an economics course online at the florida virtual school and I wrote this on a survey. I think all of us younger folks know where I'm coming from and will agree. I get so frekain tired of adults ganging up on us like we're stupid. Not all teenagers are stupid and rebellious.

take a look at me *smile*



I suggest that teachers get in touch with their students, not their parents. I understand that parents ahevf a right to know what is going on in a "class", but there is no point in discussing work with my parents who don't understand what is going on in the class anyway, and then not calling me or e-mailing me about this work that they are so concerned about. I have to say that because my teacher didn't listen to some of the things I told her, she called my mom and got her in a panic over something I was in total control over and it caused a GREAT deal of trouble in my home-life. Being a teenager, I don't need any more problems on my plate and I was certainly not prepared to have to deal with problems created by my teacher here. I think she had me comfused with other students and was giving incorrect information to my mother, and of course adults will believe adults faster than they will believe a younger individual, so my mother didn't listen to what I was saying about the course. This course has been a burden on me physically, educationally, and emotionally.
Having said that, I believe that improvements in this area could be made by first of all, asking a student which parent they would prefer that a teacher be in contact with if there is a problem. I have had this asked of me before and it was very helpful. There are many circumstances where this could be beneficial. Scenario: What if a student is somewhat behind in their work and the house they live in is where their father is and he is abusive. A teacher calls and tells the father what is going on, not knowing the situation at home and the student is emotionally or physically abused. If the student had an option of perhaps giving the number for their mother that lives somewhere else, this problem could be better handled. This is not a far-fetched scenario in the slightest. Teachers need to be careful. I have had many miserable moments in my home life at the hands of careless teachers and I can only imagine the poor students who are in abusive situations. Perphaps one parent can handle the situation better. No one would know better than the student. If this were to be put into effect, it would eliminate huge amounts of stress in many students' lives, yet the teachers don't lost out either because they are still in contact with the parents.
This is basically the only problem that I have had with this current course. I didn't have this problem with past courses I have taken at the virtual school. These problems need to be taken into account. Teachers need to make sure they are looking at the big picture with every student. Give the student an opportunity to suceed without problems shooting them down from all sides.

current mood: annoyed
current music: Fall to Pieces-Avril Lavigne
"i'm naked" "with you"
Friday, April 14th, 2006
11:43 am
I hate that I have an AA degree

I hate that I don't have a normal mother that would just love me for God's Sakes.

I hate that I eat my hurt away.

I hate that I promised not to cut anymore.

I hate that my dad doesn't live with us anymore.

I hate that I can't make everything just better.

I hate that my friends abandoned me and my trust.

I hate that I don't have anymore friends.

I hate that I got into this.

I hate that my Tivo won't record Alias and I've missed the rest of this season.

I hate that I cna't just be happy with who I'm with at the time.

I hate that I'm unhappy in my relationship.

I hate that I had to wipe my hard drive.

I hate that I cna't eat in the morning.

I hate that I can't just wipe my slate clean and start over.

I hate that I have morals and values and therefore; have no friends.

I hate that I can't just be freakin 18 NOW.

I hate that I have a jealous boyfriend.

I hate that my mom compares me to my boyfriend and tells me how much better he is than me.

I hate that I couldn't stay in the band in Niceville.

I hate that Jacob is so far away.

I hate that he is living with Brendan *wink*

I hate that I can't afford freakin toothpaste.

I hate that my mom gives me $10 every week for gas when gas prices are $2.77 and I have to drive an hour in the car everyday...when she never goes below half a tank and drives 15 minutes a day.

I hate that my mom is so freakin bipolar.

I hate that my mom hid the damn Nyquil.

I hate that my mom doesn't trust me.

I hate school.

I hate myself.

I hate that I hate myself.

I hate not having time to play Perfect Dark.

I hate that Dustin and Patrick can't just come over and play PD with me.

I hate that I was born in May.

I hate that I'm not excited about Prom...at all.

I hate that I don't have any freakin money even though I have a job.

I hate that no one looks past what I look like.

I hate that guys still try and hit on you when they know you have a boyfriend.

I hate that everyone judges me.

I hate when people shop 5 minutes before we close and then pile up at the lanes so I can checkout there $900 worth of clothes and $400 worth of food.

I hate attitude.

I hate yankees.

I hate old people that still drive.

I hate people that think I'm an idiot because I'm 17. NEWS FLASH-I KNOW HOW THE DAMN WORLD WORKS.

I hate that my mom coudln't possibly stop being my mom for 2 seconds and be my friend.

I hate that my mom is so selfish.

I hate that I can't even stand the sound of my mom's voice.

I hate that she doesn't let me talk to dad when I haven't seen him in 2 and a half months and she saw him last month...or so.

I hate that she's just so freakin mean.

I hate that I've never done anything illegal or bad and my parents still don't trust me.

I hate that I've never done anything illegal or bad and I'm wallowing in misery when everyone that has looks more and more gorgeous everyday and there lives are just falling in to place.

I hate that my life is a living hell.

I hate that I take it out on Kris. Just like my mom took all her frustration out on my all that time.

I hate that my mom doesn't remember that I was sexually abused.

I hate that when my brother and I talk, it's like talking to a complete stranger.

I hate that my brother hasn't called me once and when I call him and leave a message, he doesn't call me back.

I hate that I can't just die.

I hate that I can't pick up and leave everything I've known and start all over.

I hate that I can't erase my memories.

I hate that I don't care about freakin anything anymore.

I hate that I don't have someone to talk to about everything.

I hate that girls seriously suck ass.

I hate that Vicki hates me now.

I hate that I can't ever do anything right.

I hate that I buy compulsively and therefore I have no money.

I hate that I cry and then my eyes swell up like someone punched me.

I hate that I can't find someone that I am happy with for longer than 3 months.

I hate that I'm leaving daddy.

I hate that my grandparents don't love me as much as my brother.

I hate that my mom wishes she never would have divorced Shawn's dad.

I hate that my mom says the meanest things possible when she's mad at me.

I hate that I can't stand up against my mom.

I hate that no one wants to help me.

I hate that I have to have a parent's signature for everthing.

I hate Statistics.

I hate my Statistics teacher.

I hate my hands-they're about as unfeminine as they come.

I hate that I'm still in school.

I hate my school.

I hate the administration at my school. If you can even call it that.

I hate that everything I do is monitored.

I hate that my mom is a control-freak to the maximum.

I hate that I can't just be an introvert.

I hate that our mom's are best friends.

I hate that I haven't ever had my heart broken; then people would stop saying, "You don't know what it's like."

I hate that I can't work full-time.

I hate that I have no friends.

I hate that no one is a virgin anymore.

I hate that I'm sad.

I hate that I have to shave my legs.

I hate that i don't have time to even shave my legs.

I hate that everyone is so worried about Kris and no one is worried about me. I want to die. He doesn't.

I hate that I'm not proud of myself.

I hate that I just don't care.

I hate my poems.

I hate my writing.

I hate that I can't just go away and no one would notice-kind of like when I moved here from Niceville.

I hate that Patrick did what he did.

I hate that no matter how old I am or what happened, it's always my fault.

I hate that the Air Force Base isn't closer.

I hate that when I work out, I don't stick with it.

I hate that I'm fat.

I hate that my mom never let me do what I wanted to do and be a cheerleader or a ballerina.

I hate that I don't wear makeup.

I hate that I feel ugly and fat 90% of my life.

I hate being me.

current mood: depressed
current music: Oooh Child-Beth Orton (Alias Soundtrack)
"i'm naked" "with you"
Monday, March 13th, 2006
8:00 pm
I was thinking about something today in respect to the recent events that have touched all of us that knew Michelle. I'm not pretending that Michelle and I were best friends, but I did know her and talk to her a few times and I was her secret band person for Christmas one year. I remember I gave her strawberry champagne scented soap in the shape of lips I think and marzipan fruit. I'm not sure what else, but I think there was a card too. I also remember how Michelle would go around the band during games dousing anyone in glitter that wanted it. She gave me glitter more times than I can remember and I would look forward to getting it too.

I was just thinking today in the kitchen...so here is when life starts. Who ever thought that Michelle would be gone when she graduated such a short time ago? Who would think that Jason Walley would ever be mature enough to be a father when he was so young? It's amazing. But this is when life starts and the responsibilities set in. The sad and tragic thing about all of this is that this is merely the beginning of a life full or successes, triumps, failures, and setbacks. It's a rollercoaster and we've just gotten on.

current mood: contemplative
current music: Stay-Michelle Featherstone
"with you"
Tuesday, November 1st, 2005
8:36 am
---Here are some issues the ACLU supports:

-Legalization of homosexual marriage

-Legalization of child pornography

-Legalization of prostitution

-Legalization of live sex acts in public

-Legalization of sex between adults and children

-The ACLU defends the North American Man Boy Love Association whose motto is "sex before 8 or it is too late."

-Removing "under God" from the Pledge of Allegiance

-Removing our motto "In God We Trust" from our money

-Forcing the Boy Scouts to accept homosexual scout leaders

-Removing prayer from school and public events

-Abortion on demand, without parental consent

-Legalizing illicit drugs

-Physician assisted suicide

-Partial-birth abortion

-Mandatory sex education

-Legalized polygamy

-Tax supported profane art

>>Here is what the ACLU is against:
>Parental notification for minors having abortion

>School vouchers

>Filters on public library computers

>Nativity scenes on public property

>Sex offender registries

>Broadcast decency laws

>"Choose Life" license plates

>Tax exemptions for churches

>Posting of the Ten Commandments of public property

>Prayers before high school football games

>Parental consent laws

>"Abstinence before marriage" sex education

I'M THINKING THE ACLU SHOULD GET A CLUE.

current mood: annoyed
"i'm naked" "with you"
Tuesday, October 4th, 2005
11:51 pm
http://www.cbrinfo.org/Resources/audiovideo.html

Watch #5, Harder Truth

Prepare to weep

current mood: crushed
"i'm naked" "with you"
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